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SATIRE from Daily Caller

Donald Trump: “Do you know what’s my favorite book ?! Bible – bible is my all time favorite book !”

‘Jesus? He’s A Loser’: Secret, Super Authentic Trump Speech LEAKED

The Daily Caller has obtained an exclusive advance copy of a speech Donald Trump will deliver in the near future. Those words are presented here, without comment, for you, the reader:

I’ll tell you what I think. I raised $125,000 for one of His hospitals. That’s a lot of money. I supported Him, He lost. He let us down. But, ya know, He lost. So I never liked Him much after that, ’cause I don’t like losers. He’s a savior? He’s a savior because he was captured. He got crucified. I like saviors that weren’t crucified, OK? I hate to tell you: Jesus? He’s a loser.

I hate to tell ya: When I look at Him, I see a man who knows a trade — he’s a carpenter, I know, I hire a lot of carpenters, I build a lot of buildings. But Jesus didn’t make anything of that. He’s poor; he died poor. I look at that, and that tells me he’s lazy. No vision. Didn’t care. Loser.

And this loser was hanging around with other losers while the Romans laughed at them. Fishermen, call girls, a bunch of bureaucrats. Failures who couldn’t make a deal; no business sense, no original ideas. All losers.

So he had magical powers? So does he use them to make a deal? Does he build golf courses all over the world? Does he take on Caesar’s Palace? No. He gives out food and health care for free. It’s welfare; a loser feeding other losers.

I mean, he got out-dealed by Pontius Pilate, a loser if I ever saw one. But I feel bad for Pilate. He’s stupid. And fat. And later on he killed himself because he was a loser.

Fine. Blame Judas. But you know what? Jesus hired Judas as a senior vice apostle. Would I hire him for my campaign? I only hire winners. Judas wouldn’t get a job as a bus boy at a Trump hotel. He’d be fired before he hit the ground. And if he got by, I’d fire him and then I’d fire the manager who hired him. That’s called taking responsibility.

Did Judas even make a good deal? Thirty pieces of silver? That’s peanuts. It shows you how worthless these guys were. Can’t make a deal.

Look at me. I went to a top school. Got top marks. I’m very smart. I’m very rich. I’m very proud of myself and I’m very rich. I’m worth many billions of gold pieces. I’m very rich. And you know what? I don’t need the money. I hate to tell it to ya, I don’t. But I have the money because I make the deals. So, I would’ve paid 15 silver pieces for Jesus. And the Romans are laughing at us. So you know what? I’d make the Romans pay me. I’d say you bring me Jesus and then I’d make them pay for it. I’d get on the phone and make them pay for it. They’re laughing at us.

You know a prophet I respect? Moses. Smart. Won. Got things done. Knew how to deal. Pharaoh was laughing at him. So Moses got pharaoh to give him all his slaves, then he destroyed pharaoh’s army when he tried to go back on the deal. Built a wall of water, made pharaoh pay for it. Winner. Very smart. Probably very rich.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

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